How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
