i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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