walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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