She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize