She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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