You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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