Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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