it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
