Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
