He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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