toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
