i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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