John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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