if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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