using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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