Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can you bring me the toilet please
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
