just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
