My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
