I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
