you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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