Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
