you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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