I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
