yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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