I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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