Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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