Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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