this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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