ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
3 2 1 whiskey
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize