i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
