Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
