Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
