Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
God I need to hump something, right now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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