Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
