i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
only if we run a train.
done.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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