Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
