Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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