If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
