Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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