Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
