There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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