The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize