people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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