I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
