I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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