yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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