Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
try to milk me bitch
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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