My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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