Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
