i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
