my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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