Pants 0. Shit 1.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
