My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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