Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
