Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
