I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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