I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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