I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
