If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
